My Story…

My obsession with reaching my ‘goal body’ to battle my deep insecurity through weight loss, suppressing my appetite, over exercising, and eating only ‘clean’ food fueled disordered eating behaviors and an unhealthy relationship with food (I speculate it may have also become an undiagnosed eating disorder called Orthorexia). 

Except, I thought I was being the example of health.

I was so focused on reaching my goals, that without fully realizing it, I was sacrificing my physical and mental well being. 

The thought process around food became black and white; ‘eat this, not that’ ‘avoid bad food and eat clean’ which only perpetuated the guilt and shame cycle around my relationship with food. 

(Psst living off 1200 calories is not enough)…

I would do rigorous workouts twice a day and walk my dogs for several miles. I would hop on the next juice cleanse, detox, or 30 day low calorie diet to lose those last 10lbs. 

But then I’d gain the weight back (now looking back, I know why). I felt like I was fighting my body and white knuckling my way to ‘success’. 

When I eventually did reach my goal weight, my body physically started to deteriorate. I was sick all the time, my hips would give out when I would walk, and my moods were unstable (among many other things)…

Anytime I walked past a mirror, window or reflection, I would body check myself and either validate my progress or tear myself down. 

I tied my physique to my self worth. It was a slippery slope that eventually created my rock bottom. 

But my rock bottom became the solid foundation of my healing journey. 

I finally asked myself, ‘is what I’m doing sustainable?’ 

When I realized it wasn’t and it wasn’t actually healthy… I knew it was time to waive the white flag and find a better way. 

Here’s what happened…